Muslim Parents’ Communication Approach to Adolescents according to Al-Tarbiyyah Al-Rashīdah by ‘Abd al-Karīm Bakkār (B. 1951)

1. Introduction

Good communication skills within the family undoubtedly play an important role for the overall societal well-being and harmony.¹ A good emotional bond and relationship between parents and their adolescent children has been well documented to be effective in creating a stable society.²

Communication is more than just exchanging messages or information. Parents need to adopt different approaches and strategies while communicating with their teens since the adolescence phase differs from that of childhood. Visible physical and psychological changes can be seen as children approach their teenage phase.³ Hence, failure to communicate effectively and adequately with adolescents may impact family connections, adolescent behaviour, and their trust in parents. It may result in mental and emotional turmoil as well as hampering the social interactions.⁴ Communication issues therefore, should not be regarded lightly.⁵

The current study focused on ‘Abd al-Karīm Bakkār's book Al-Tarbiyyah Al-Rashīdah which is used as a primary source to study the challenges faced by modern Muslim families, especially pertaining to parental communication with their teenagers. This book is set against the background of contemporary Muslim family issues along with suggested solutions by the author.

Arḥām or usrah is an Arabic word meaning love.⁶ A happy family does not engage in hostility or verbal abuse. A family is a place to relax where an individual finds serenity and peace. According to the Islamic viewpoint, a prosperous family upholds a link with Allah and bases its family life on divine values.⁷ In a hadīth narrated by Abī ‘Īsā Muhammad bin ‘Īsā al-Tirmidhī (d. 279 AH), from ‘Abd al-Raḥmān ibn ‘Awf, I heard the Messenger of Allah saying: “Allah, Most Blessed and Most High, said: “I am Allah, and I am Al-Raḥmān. I created the raḥīm (womb) and named it after My Name. So whoever keeps good relations with it, I keep good relation with him, and whoever severs it, I am finished with him”.”⁸

Qur’ān also emphasises maintaining good relationships and engaging in good deeds with family members in Al-Nisa’ 4] verse 1. An Andalusian Qur’ānic expert, Abū ‘Abdullāh Muḥammad ibn Aḥmad ibn Abī Bakr al-Anṣārī al-Qurṭubī, opined that ṣilah Al-Rahīm (family ties) must be fulfilled and breaking it is illegal. Prophet Muhammad, also instructs family members to maintain their silah Al-Raḥīm despite their religious differences.⁹

One of the challenges facing Muslim parents in fulfilling Allah’s command to educate their children is managing their adolescent children. Adolescents typically reject their parents’ guidance and more often than not, resort to arguments when criticised by them.¹⁰ Therefore, it is important that Muslim families must adopt appropriate techniques in accordance with Islamic beliefs to guide their children to the right path.

Physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological education for adolescents is necessary as they navigate through life and its challenges.¹¹ The emotional development of adolescents is important for them to feel safe and secure and protect them against both founded and unfounded fears.¹² It is the duty of parents therefore, to ensure the satisfaction of their children in their life.¹³ Parents can achieve this goal by developing and inculcating strong values in their children during their adolescence.¹⁴ A healthy home environment can also be created through this which would aid in the development of adolescents' personalities. Studies have suggested that an unhealthy home environment can lead to a moral breakdown.¹⁵

In fact, healthy communication between family members increases the quality of parent-children relationship which hence, contributes to the well-being of the child.¹⁶ Good communication further allows the adolescents to express their views and opinions freely and without any fear or embarrassment. This creates a feeling of reassurance among them, elevates their level of confidence, and decreases their feeling of loneliness. Parental encouragement and support can further boost the feeling of reliability.¹⁷ Developing children’s religious understanding and knowledge is crucial which includes broadening their perspectives by combining worldly concerns with the hereafter (ukhrawī). Exercising leadership, showing love and affection, and offering undivided attention to children are additional skills that parents must possess which are described in detail in the Al-Tarbiyyah Al-Rashīdah.¹⁸

2. Methodology

Qualitative and content analysis approaches were adopted to study the research questions and to achieve the objectives. Qualitative content analysis is one of the several qualitative methods currently available which analyse the data and interprets its meaning.¹⁹ According to Downe‐Wamboldt,²⁰ content analysis is a methodical and objective way to reach a conclusion using oral, visual, or written evidence to explain and measure the events. As a research method, it represents a systematic and objective means of describing and quantifying the phenomena. For the prerequisite and successful content analysis, the data of the current study was reduced to concepts that described the research phenomenon by creating categories, concepts, a model, conceptual system, or conceptual map. At the same time, the current study used the types and sources of secondary data obtained from results, articles, and reference books that discussed topics related to research theme.²¹

The researchers used ‘Abd al-Karīm Bakkār’s fourth volume, The Adolescents, to extract the data and achieve the study objectives. The current study observed three limitations. Firstly, it only focused on Muslim parents' communication with their adolescent children. Secondly, it used qualitative method of content analysis without involving study participants. Thirdly, it did not focus on a specific place or time period.

3. ‘Abd al-Karīm Bakkār – An Introduction of the Author

‘Abd al-Karīm bin Muḥammad al-Ḥasan Bakkār was born in 1951 (1370 H) in Homs, Syria. He received his Bachelor's degree in 1973 at Faculty of Arabic, al-Azhar University, Egypt. Afterwards, he completed his Master's degree in 1975 and Doctorate of Philosophy in 1979 from the same University in the field of Uṣūl Lughah. Moreover, he also served as an instructor in language and education at Islamic University of Imam Muhammad bin Saud in al-Qasim in 1976. Afterwards, he moved to King Khalid University in Abha in 1989 and became a professor in 1992. In 2002, he resigned from his post to focus on writing and actively developed Muslim thought and its civilisation.²²

 He wrote about 40 books and published more than 150 scientific articles in Arabic newspapers and magazines on education and Islamic thought. His writings cover Islamic civilisation, emerging issues, thoughts, and education. He also engaged in preaching certain activities. Some of Bakkār’s writings have been translated into several languages.²³ He also wrote for Al-Bayan magazines based in London, that is, Al-Islām Al-Yawm, and Mahaarati magazines. Additionally, for the past 20 years, he has been regularly contributing articles to Islamtoday website. Moreover, he has also been contributing hundreds of scientific forums in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, Bahrain, Turkey, Lebanon, Egypt, Jordan, Malaysia, Sudan, Uganda, and Indonesia.²⁴

His writings include Chapters in Objective Thinking, Towards A Deeper Understanding of The Islamic Reality, For A Comprehensive Civilized, An Introduction to Integrated Development, Living in Difficult Times, Pauses for The Mind and Soul, Renewing Awareness, Teamwork Achievement, A Step Towards Right Thinking, Charitable Work Culture, The New Muslim, The New Rules, Pages in Education and Personal Advancement, Successful Family Upbringing Series, To My Sons and Daughters and others.²⁵

Bakkār also ran a live podcast which notched over a hundred hours.²⁶ He frequently delivered general and specialised lectures at various colleges and cultural institutions. Additionally, he also hosted radio and television programmes on Saudi TV, Saudi Radio, Al-Majd Satellite Channel, and Bursa Broadcasting (Turkeye). He founded the Council of Muslim World League’s International Organization of Islamic Media and serves in the advisory board of Islam Today group.²⁷

4. Synopsis of Al-Tarbiyyah Al-Rashīdah (Successful Family Upbringing Series)

Bakkār is the author of Al-Tarbiyyah Al-Rashīdah published in 2009. The first volume is called Masār Al-Usrah (Home Trajectory), followed by Al-Qawāʿid Al-ʿAshr (Child Upbringing), Al-Tawāṣul Al-Asrī (Family Interactions), Al-Murāhiq (The Adolescents), Mushkilāt Al-Aṭfāl (Children’s Problems), and Ṭiflun Yaqra' (A Child Reads). These all volumes were not released at once and the most recent was released in 2010. All these books have been reprinted up to their third edition and have also been translated into Indonesian and English languages under the titles Serial Membina Keluarga Islam (Building a Muslim Family Series) and Successful Family Upbringing Series, respectively. These translations are available in Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, and The Philippines among other countries.²⁸

This book provides an essential guide to raising and nurturing a successful Muslim family. Moreover, it also suggests methods to improve family communication and strengthen familial relationship. The first volume, Masār Al-Usrah (Home Trajectory), outlines the key ideas, guidelines, and concepts to educate children and suggest ways to handle potentially challenging family issues. In Al-Qawāʿid al-ʿAshr (Child Upbringing), the second volume, the author discusses ten key principles that underpin a child’s education. Al-Tawāṣul Al-Asr (Family Interactions), the third volume, discusses various approaches and communication techniques to create a harmonious relationship within the family. Al-Murāhiq (The Adolescents), the fourth volume and the primary source for the current study, addresses the issue of parental communication with their teenagers. This is because majority of the parents are unable to comprehend emotional challenges faced by their children in transitioning from childhood to adolescence. The fifth volume discusses ten most important challenges that children typically encounter. Additionally, it also teaches them how to recognise and handle these challenges. In the most recent sixth volume, the author strongly urges parents to encourage their children to read and appreciate books.²⁹

The fourth volume, Al-Murāhiq (The Adolescents), is divided into five subtopics. The first topic discusses the teenage phase and its characteristics faced by teenagers. The second and third subtopics delve into the relationship between parents and their teenaged children along with guidance and suggestions from the author. These two subtopics have been referenced in this research to discuss about certain methods that parents should adopt while communicating with their teenaged children. The fourth and fifth subtopics discuss effective ways through which parents may deal with the challenges of raising their teenaged children. Therefore, this book is considered suitable to be used as a reference to discuss the topic of family communication.³⁰

5. Findings

The main theme of Al-Tarbiyyah Al-Rashīdah is family communication which has been discussed according to the child’s developmental stage. In each different stage, possible difficulties are explored accompanied with suggested solutions. The study emphasised parental counselling that adheres to Islamic principles and teachings, especially among modern families. According to Bakkār,³¹ parents must make time for their children, listen to them with interest and curiosity, respect them, trust them, avoid pressurising them, and act maturely and politely towards them. All the above mentioned characteristics play a key role to an effective communication strategy. Figure 1 describes the findings.

Figure 1. Communication Approach to Manage the Challenges to deal with Adolescents

5.1 Be Kind to Fellow Believers

Bakkār suggests that the relationship between parents and adolescents is just like that of a Muslim brother and sister which needs to be prioritised more than anything else. More importantly, parents must accept the fact that it is their responsibility to treat their children in line with Sharia principles which emphasize the qualities of friendliness, love, forgiveness, gratefulness, patience, and generosity. Parents, at the same time, need to be aware that their teens can mimic their behaviour, such as raising their voice, talking back, and behaving rudely. Creating a calm and polite environment, therefore, is vital in fostering communication.³²

In Qur’ān, chapter Luqman 31] verse 19, Allah instructs His people to speak politely and not be given to shouting or screaming. A terrible voice is described as akin to a donkey's as the latter is said to enjoy criticising and cursing.³³ Therefore, parents' abusive language can adversely affect their adolescents' mental health. The rectification of this behaviour is important as it can be both preventive and curative as well.³⁴

People closest to us are our family members. A family filled with love and affection for one another is born from the strong bond created in the family. It affects all facets of life including the development of soul and morals. An adolescent’s mental health is therefore, negatively impacted if they are at the receiving end of their parents’ psychological abuse.³⁵ According to Rizvi and Najam,³⁶ adolescents who experience this mistreatment would feel burdened, unappreciated, and unwanted.

Showing kindness to family members is a fundamental principle in Islam. No one suffers by being kind. Therefore, mawaddah wa raḥmah (pursuit of love and affection), described in the Qur’ān, also refers to being kind to one's family members³⁷ to create familial happiness.³⁸ In Islam, loving one's family is even more important than loving one’s self. This is in line with the hadīth, "One of you is not truly a believer until he loves his brother as he loves himself.”³⁹

5.2 Allocate Time

Good parents prioritise their children and this translates into allocating time to engage in activities together. In order to transfer positive values in adolescents, Bakkār urges parents to spend quality time with their children and indulge in their interests. The invisible wall between the old and young can be broken by engaging in games and participating in daily household activities. Here, parents must take the lead and, in that process, make attempts to understand their children’s physical, emotional, and social needs.

Mothers, in particular, play an important role. They can engage in participatory decision-making with their teens by eliciting their opinions on household matters, for instance, on furniture arrangements, choosing a cuisine to cook together, and sharing personal stories with them. This situation would make teenagers more at ease to share their problems and future plans with their parents. One such example of successful communication is when adolescents start talking about “sensitive” issues, such as, crimes, sex, and morally questionable acts. Many newspapers have reported how parents get shocked when they learn that their children have committed petty crimes or have been engaged in immoral activities. The likely explanation is that they were absent when their children needed them and were seeking help or solace from external parties.⁴⁰

A good two-way communication can also help adolescents develop a better personality, identify their place in the family, and learn empathy. Additionally, it aids in developing social skills linked to resilience, self-confidence, and social support.⁴¹ Self-confidence, good academic performance, decrease in depressive episodes, and non-indulgence in using illegal substances act as a product of sound communication between parents and children. It has been reported that a child's self-confidence increases with the effective father-child interaction, greater than that of mother-child interaction.⁴² Lack of communication between parents and adolescents, on the other hand, has been shown to increase the severity of depressive symptoms in adolescents.⁴³ This may result in lower life satisfaction leading to misunderstandings and disputes with their parents.⁴⁴ It also increases their risk of engaging in pre-marital sex.⁴⁵

The above discussion highlights as to how communication shapes adolescents’ behaviours and personalities. Working parents can still allocate time to communicate with their adolescents by initiating efforts to ensure that communication is a part of family’s daily routine. A good communication is judged by the effectiveness and quality of a discourse rather than by the amount of time spent.

5.3 Listen with Interest

It is important for parents to listen to their adolescent children, especially if they are having trouble in expressing themselves. A common mistake that parents commit is discussing issues and talking to their children while engaged in other activities, such as while cleaning the house, cooking or reading the newspaper. This typically leads to adolescents feeling that their parents do not care enough to listen to them patiently. It is quite important for parents to listen to their children carefully as to what they are trying to convey. This is a key to maintain an open line of communication between them. This also aids in the maturation and growth processes of their children.⁴⁶

Listening is an important component of a two-way communication.⁴⁷ Studies have shown that adolescents listen to and follow their parents' instructions if the latter show genuine interest to understand them and are willing to help them solve their problems.⁴⁸ Parents, therefore, must show willingness to listen to the concerns of their teenage children and treat them with respect, demonstrate practical listening skills, and watch their body language.⁴⁹ Parents who "listen" understand that this is a first crucial step in a conversation which allows teens to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs honestly.⁵⁰ In short, adolescents' opinions should be heard and valued. However, this does not imply that parents must concur with every opinion expressed by their children. Rather, it indicates their willingness to attempt to comprehend their teens’ inner thoughts.⁵¹ A two-way communication will not occur if parents turn a deaf ear to their teen’s problems. Persistence of this will eventually lead to the teens seeking out a third party, such as their friends, when in trouble or in dilemma and who may not be able to offer a wise solution to their problems. Hence, it is imperative parents make genuine efforts to listen to their children and help them navigate through life’s challenges.

5.4 Respect Each Other

A person who treats people with respect would earn the respect of others. Exercising a good leadership and modelling respect for other family members is the duty of a parent. Bakkār⁵² asserts that a father should express his love, respect, and appreciation for his teen's viewpoints who, in turn, would likely reciprocate. A respectable parent should also refrain from yelling, ignoring, or making fun of his teenage children as the latter may often mimic this undesirable behaviour. Moreover, a parent may come to accept and forgive their children’s mistakes if they keep their good traits in mind, such as praying regularly, studying, forgiving, and being trustworthy among others. Additionally, when prioritising their adolescents’ interests, such as by attending their graduation ceremony and other important events despite their busy schedule, indicate parental respect and acknowledgement.⁵³

The behaviour of adolescents often changes in tandem with that of their parents.⁵⁴ Trustworthy parents who remain steadfast in their moral principles are a source of inspiration to their children.⁵⁵ Adults may foster respect among their family members by cooperating with their teens, equitably valuing their own and the children's needs along with reviewing and discarding their preconceived notions about children.⁵⁶ Islam prioritises respect in the context of ḥabl min al-nās (relationship between humans). Human beings must respect and value the good behaviours of others by showing them respect.⁵⁷

Respect should also be the foundation of all interactions between parents and adolescents. The adolescent stage is considered as a transitional period into adulthood where teens demand to be treated as adults. The respect shown by parents also demonstrates their willingness to lower their position in the familial hierarchy to meet their adolescents’ needs leading them to respect and value their parents even more.

5.5 Putting Trust

Parents sometimes view and treat their teens in the same manner as a 10-year-old is treated which usually leads to problems. It is important for parents to learn to curb their tendency to be domineering to their teens and give them the freedom to handle their problems themselves. It is necessary for parents to have faith in their teens’ ability to manage themselves, respect their feelings, and treat them with dignity. Moreover, they should be allowed to make their own choices and parents must listen to them whenever they have problems by providing them counselling.⁵⁸

Severe psychological control is a contributing factor to behavioural and social issues, according to Qian et al.⁵⁹ authors have explained that strict fathers often produce delinquent teens, ⁶⁰ while strict mothers produce the opposite effect.⁶¹ It highlights the necessity for a balance between parents exercising their power and how that power should be exercised is dependent on each parent's hierarchical position.⁶²

Parents who exercise strict psychological control over their children would feel disappointed when they behave differently than predicted. They may accuse them of wrongdoing and may resort to ignoring or shaming them, leading to their teens feeling inadequate, frustrated, helpless and dejected. It prevents them from developing good cognitive and emotional skills as well as positive emotions. Fearful of expressing their feelings or opinions and unable to communicate with others, they are likely to engage in destructive deeds.⁶³ Studies have shown that authoritative parenting style is more suitable and effective in instilling discipline and good behaviour among children.⁶⁴

From the foregoing, it is clear that parents must show faith in decision-making abilities of their teenage children. Additionally, they can take advantage of their maturity and experience as an adult to offer guidance and advice to their teens. They can, for instance, explain to their teens the advantages and disadvantages of a particular proposed action allowing their teens to make their own decisions wisely. Additionally, the guidance should not take the form of directives that require the child to abide solely by their parents' preferences. However, it is important that the actions are not outside the bounds of Sharia laws and principles. This would teach them to be accountable for this world and the hereafter.⁶⁵

5.6 Avoid Pressure and be Mature

Even with the slightest provocation, adolescents can lose their composure. The teenage phase is marked by significant physical and psychological changes which makes it difficult for them to manage their mood and deal with challenging situations. Therefore, parents play an important role in guiding, monitoring, and controlling their adolescents' emotions. They must exercise wisdom which means using their hearts as well as their minds, according to Bakkār. If all other methods prove to be unsuccessful, punishment may be administered. Adolescents have the right to express their feelings and a two-way dialogue can often lead towards a just outcome and both parties must refrain from using harsh language.⁶⁶ Some parents interfere in their adolescents’ lives unnecessarily by imposing their will without due consideration to their children’s feelings and opinions and state of mind. The outcome may not be favourable to parents as children may begin to view their parents as strangers, uninterested in their issues, and consequently feel powerless to interact with them. Therefore, the relationship between parents and adolescents would be further strained if the youngster is reprimanded heavily, or undue pressure is mounted on them. There is every likelihood that these situations can give rise to a decline in parental influence on their teens.

Some parents discipline their adolescents harshly even if they commit a minor mistake while refraining from complimenting them when they do well. This creates rage in them, and over time, they would express this anger by arguing or being rude towards their parents.⁶⁷ Generally, adolescents are more sensitive to unfavourable comments as compared to younger children or adults.⁶⁸ It disrupts their mental development as they are frequently pressurized due to their academic and psychological environments with parents usually having high expectations on their adolescents.⁶⁹ Relationships, based solely on academic success, place undue pressure on adolescents, leading towards disagreements with their parents and deviant behaviour.⁷⁰ These, in turn, would provoke anger and withdrawal of affection from their parents.⁷¹

Parents who frequently criticise their children, especially in public, tend to damage their children’s self-esteem. Toxic parents frequently blame their children, lack empathy, have untamed egos, and do not value their children's efforts.⁷² Therefore, parents must adopt a simple approach and be neither harsh nor overly gentle when dealing with adolescents. An effective communication is one where the outcome is fair and parties feel respected without feeling strained.

All of the above is part of the process of raising children. The Holy Qur’ān states that children are a test on this earth. Therefore, parents must be patient and mature when dealing with adolescents as they are still learning about life. Wise Muslim parents would adhere to the words of the Prophet Muhammad, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk about what is good or keep quiet.”⁷³ Therefore, Muslim parents must refrain from uttering harsh words to their children, must not put undue pressure on them, and be mature while dealing with them.

5.7 Being Polite to Adolescent’s Friends

It is not an understatement that parents who are kind and courteous to their children's friends would generate respect. An important reason for this is that during this stage, teenagers prioritize friendships to a great extent. Parents who communicate well with their adolescents are typically familiar with their friends.⁷⁴ According to Haag et al.,⁷⁵ parents and peers are adolescents’ top sources of moral support. Teenage girls, in particular, form closer friendships as compared to their male counterparts.⁷⁶ Their peers also influence their emotional IQ. Maintaining good relationships with children's friends is important. This is because parents may be able to monitor their activities and to weed out any bad influence, if any. Good friends can also shape the behaviour of their peers to produce a positive outcome.⁷⁷ In order to prevent adolescents from being exposed to bad influences, parents must establish a good communication platform which also offers a safe space to both to air their views. Additionally, parents need to be watchful over the type of friends their teens are making and. ensure they always remain their reference point. This also means they are approachable to their teens who can divulge to them about any uncertainties they face. This points to a healthy family communication and which can have a positive effect on other family members and an example to the community.

6. Discussion

Studies have indicated that majority of adolescents have minimal or zero interaction with their parents.⁷⁸ The answer to the question as to how can Muslim parents educate their children without establishing an effective communication platform or framework can be found in Islamic family principles, according to Bakkār. In fact, this is the key issue that Bakkār has attempted to answer in his series, particularly his volume on adolescents. He asserts that a solid and honest interaction between parents and teenagers is vital and needs to be strengthened from time to time in order to address various contemporary challenges. These challenges include mental health, social media, sexual harassment, teenage pregnancy, bullying, and others. He emphasized repeatedly in his book that Muslim parents are responsible for shaping their children’s character and teaching them religious knowledge rooted in culture, Islamic law, and morality⁷⁹. In short, Bakkār urges parents to urgently revert to an authentic Islamic framework as the challenges faced by teens are induced by the secular environment.⁸⁰

In sum, the current study pointed towards Successful Family Upbringing Series as an effective reference for Muslim parents as to how to cultivate healthy communication style with their adolescent children. In this context, parents as the adult with life and religious experience, have to take the lead and show the way through kindness, setting aside time for communication, listening with interest, respecting, placing trust, avoiding pressure, and be encouraging and polite. The findings therefore, confirm the suitability and conformity of Bakkār's communication strategy in line with the Islamic teachings as strategic communication methods. This is also in accordance with the directives of the Prophet Muhammad “The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family. When your companion dies, then do not abuse him” ⁸¹ In terms of practical implication for Muslim parents, it must be noted that teenagers tend to favour communication that is quick, enjoyable, expressive, collaborative, flexible, and responsive.⁸² Communication can take place both physically and virtually, as today's teenagers excel and prefer online communication.⁸³ Furthermore, parents must find time and space to communicate with their teenagers even if they are busy with their careers. For instance, they may communicate with them while driving or when they dine together at home or in restaurants, or when vacationing.

Communication is an active process which involves listening with kindness, being respectful, giving trust and avoiding undue pressure. Parents need to create a safe space for their children to openly express themselves regarding their concerns, opinions, and ideas. According to Ross et al. (2020), a safe space encompasses emotional and physical security, providing protection for adolescents from any forms of violence in various social contexts, both in physical and virtual environments.⁸⁴ The process by which parents mould their adolescents’ personalities is crucial. An open communication style without pressure or expectation is important. This is because studies have shown that teenagers are liable to confusion due to simultaneous changes in their mental, physical, physiological, and psychological well-being. Muslim parents therefore, must set a positive example.

6.1. Conclusion

The current study therefore, pointed out that communication strategies outlined by Bakkār can help Muslim parents support their adolescents' moral, physical, mental, and spiritual development. These strategies would enable them to manage the challenges to deal with their teens. Additionally, these methods are in line with Islamic teachings which have a positive effect on parenting style. The outcome is a family that is contented and happy which would ultimately create a peaceful society.